By Joanie Ryan aka Dragonfly
Last week, I attended camp for the first time in my life. It was so much more than I can describe, but I’m going to try.
I was honored to be selected to attend a weeklong camp with Epic Experience dedicated solely to Cancer Survivors. So much in my life has changed since I was declared cancer free 4 1/2 years ago that oftentimes I pushed it out of my brain because I had to be strong and just push on to face the next big emotional challenge in my life.
Because I had never attended Camp at any time in my life, I honestly did not know what to expect. It was seven days with complete strangers. Nine other survivors and a staff of 8. Three of which were also survivors themselves and the others… They call themselves Muggers!
On day one, we met at the park-and-ride at Dinosaur Ridge in Golden and then we boarded 4 white extra large SUVs. It was like the presidential motorcade except they were in white. Obviously, I overdressed. (That’s me!) Partly because I would not have been able to pack my cowboy boots or my hat in my allotted suitcase so I paired them with a gorgeous dress and headed out. Little did I know that evening I would find the perfect backdrop to take some updated photos of myself. It was such a gorgeous spot and my outfit matched it perfectly. What an opportunity! lol.
The folks at Epic Experience absolutely know how to spoil their camp guests and every meal was gourmet and over the top
Thanks to Fuzzy, Lotzy, LaLa, Edge, Stretch, Wingman and Tango. Not only were we not expected to help with the cooking chores. They wouldn’t even let us carry our own dishes to the kitchen. We were spoiled at every opportunity.
After dinner, I changed into something a bit more comfortable and played Rummikub with staff and other campers. Rummikub is a Camp favorite and is taken very seriously. It took me 7 games before I finally won 1. And throughout the week, I won a few more games. (Although with Edge playing, it was not easy)
We were asked to come up with our Camp Name, and after some thought, I came up with Dragonfly. After my father passed away in 2017, I began to see dragonflies everywhere I went for about six months. Back then, I had never seen a single dragonfly in my backyard and for months they were there constantly. I felt right away, this was a sign from my father and since then the dragonfly has become a favorite of mine. I even went so far as getting a dragonfly tattooed on my arm as my one and only Tattoo, but accompanying the dragonfly is also my mother’s beautiful handwriting saying, “I love you Joanie, Mom!” Together, I was able to honor my parents and have the ability to hold their memory close to my heart, as I was newly declared a survivor. That was four years ago and I am approaching that ever so important five-year Cancer free mark next June. And in case you were wondering, the site of those dragonflies ended about six months after they started. I will occasionally see a dragonfly, and I am reminded that my father still watches over me.
Now, when I said we were camping, you may have envisioned me sleeping in a tent, battling mosquitoes and the heat in the mountains, but that was far from it. We were housed in a multimillion dollar Ranch style home on nearly 900 acres. I was in a semi-private room with two queen size beds and an en suite bathroom with dual sinks. My room had a view of the hot tub and rolling hills. Each morning the room would turn a beautiful golden orange color as the sun rose to greet the day. It was an amazing sight to behold each morning.
My roommate was a wonderful woman close to my age who also had been diagnosed with lung cancer. Her Camp name was Pure Joy. It didn’t take us too long to nickname her PJ. She studied and teaches Therapeutic Art. PJ provided me with a different perspective on many topics in life. I was also able to use her watercolors and painted a beautiful 5” x 7” scenic view of our mountains. (I failed to take a picture of my picture, and I left it up there to decorate a shelf in the dining room.)
She was a morning person and I am not… But we made it work beautifully between us. It was so fun to have our late night chats until she fell asleep on me each night while I was engaged in telling a very long story LOL I am definitely a night owl! 🦉 But, I brought along my iPad and with the help of Wi-Fi and Netflix I was able to put myself to sleep the way I normally do. With the distraction and noise of a TV show. Maybe one day I will feel safe and comfortable just turning off the lights and enjoying “the still”.
OK… Back to Camp stories! Each morning we arose to the smell of bacon or sausage cooking. Our Breakfast Buffet that included pancakes, toast, oatmeal, and fresh berries was served promptly at 7:30 AM followed by a Small Group meeting at 9 AM. My Small Group consisted of five amazing people. (Dragonfly (me!), Stretch, LaLa, Cardinal and Smiles) It was led by Stretch a.k.a. Denny, who is Executive Director at Epic Experience. Stretch is a survivor of Esophageal and Stomach Cancer. What an amazing man he is! Also in our group was LaLa or Laura as she is known in the real world. Laura is an Oncology Nurse at UCHealth and was part of the medical team along with Tango ensuring we were in great hands should any of us need medical attention during the week? Her laugh was infectious and I should have recorded it so I could play it over and over again when life gets me down. What a beautiful woman on the outside and the inside. She is strong and wise and the mother of two beautiful girls. Also, in my group was Cardinal and Smiles. Two very strong cancer survivors with leukemia and breast cancer respectively. Our small group was so incredibly special. The vulnerability that we showed up with each and every day was so very, very special. We listened to each other and offered advice when appropriate. It was truly amazing to be amongst a group of people that truly “got it!”. I’ve always believed that in order to truly feel empathy for another. You must have gone through the same tragedy. Although people can say, they understand what it’s like to put your life on pause to fight to live and then to have the expectation from others that we are as good as new, we’re back to normal. With this group, people got it!
After Small Group each day, we headed out wearing the suggested outfits we were told to wear to prepare us for what laid ahead for us. Each day, they kept the agenda a secret to build up that feeling of excitement and anticipation. Each day we climbed aboard the big white SUVs to unknown locations in the beautiful Colorado mountains. There were a couple of times that I was literally giddy with happiness and felt like a child. Those are feelings that have become incredibly rare in the big scary adult world that I have lived in since my cancer diagnosis. I can also tell you that an overwhelming feeling that I also felt was being ‘completely cared for’ and that I could let go for just a few moments of the fear that I have trying to navigate my life as a single woman. Not only did I survive cancer, but I survived the loss of my lifelong partner. I was 23 years old when I married that man and 63 years old when he died. We may have bickered with each other on the outside, but we truly, truly loved each other on the inside. And losing him was by far the most difficult challenge I have ever been through and for those that know me well know that my list of tragedies and loss is long.
I can’t give away any secrets of the agenda at Camp, but I can tell you I had an intimate relationship with the Colorado river and with a beautiful brown horse before the week was over. There was a view that I saw from sitting on top of that horse at the top of a ridge looking down upon Sweetwater Lake. That was one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve ever been a part of.
One night, I was sitting outside alone until 1:30 in the morning, completely mesmerized staring at the Milky Way. I have never seen a sky full of stars like that in my entire life. I have never been in a place that was completely away from any light source. There was also no moon that night and no cloud coverage. The conditions were absolutely perfect for me to be given such an amazing view of the Milky Way.
I am now drawn to living on acreage away from city lights, and people more than ever. It has been something that I have dreamed about for 20 years or more and I’m going to try to make that happen in my future. I don’t know where I am supposed to be in my future, but I’m pretty sure it’s not where I am today.
After each adventurous day, we came back to the ranch and cleaned up for dinner. (admittedly, most of the campers were in shorts, T-shirts, and tennis shoes, but I had a different outfit and matching jewelry on each night). Thank goodness I was allowed a second suitcase for my oxygen machine that I sleep with at night which allowed me to pack a few more extra outfits and shoes. I honestly did not know what to expect but I do know that next time my suitcase will contain shorts, T-shirts, and tennis shoes. Dressing up was completely unnecessary although the other campers realized that was a big part of my personality and I think they embraced me and looked forward to seeing what I would wear for the next event.
Every evening at 7 PM we met outside around the fire ring to discuss our “word and emotion of the day”. The willingness from each and every Camper to be completely honest and vulnerable and to dig way deep into their souls to share the trials and tribulations of their cancer, diagnosis and journey. The stories were inspirational and some heartbreaking as you heard the real life impacts F’ing Cancer has on a person’s life.
I feel like for the first time since my diagnosis of Stage 4 lung & neck cancer in June 2018 that I have processed the real impact it had on my life. Back then I spent two years literally fighting for my life as I reached 129 pounds (at 5’ 10”) after 18 months of severe diarrhea following immunotherapy. In 2020, I stared into the mirror at an emaciated and bald woman who was broken and so empty. My emotional state was focused on pure survival back then. Mike literally fed me three meals a day when I wasn’t in the hospital and kept me alive. Everything that went in my mouth absolutely came out immediately at the other end. I was barely getting any nutrients whatsoever. Out of 180 days I spent
60 of them in the hospital fighting for my life with various issues due to malnutrition and dehydration. I was always happy when they admitted me into the hospital because I knew that it gave Mike a break from being a full-time caregiver and he was able just to relax and lose himself with sports on TV. He didn’t have to cook for me or clean up all of the disgusting messes that I would make not having control of my body. But he did it like a trooper. I was lucky that my husband‘s love language was acts of service because it equipped him to take amazing care of me.
And then by the grace of God, I reached a certain level of regaining my health. I quickly changed my focus into the MS Colorado Senior America 2023 Pageant when I met the Pageant Leaders at an event. I never expected to participate in a pageant let alone win and become Queen in 2023.
I then spent the next 18 months living in a somewhat fantasy world of sequin gowns, rhinestones jewelry, and a big beautiful crown on my head. What a whirlwind that all was. I stuffed my feelings about cancer way down deep and only thought about it when I included it in a speech I was giving at the various events I attended as Queen. I remember back then and perhaps still while putting on makeup and doing my hair and if I look good, certainly I can feel good. I was able to compartmentalize my ongoing pain issues and with every girl I put in my hair or a set of eyelashes I put on my eyes, I pretended that I was no longer sick and that life was glorious.
August of 2024, brought a new chapter of my life of being a widow after 40 years of marriage and learning to navigate life without my man next to me. I had never lived alone in my entire life. Ever!
I had not realized until my week at Epic Experience camp that I had just moved forward with life and never took the time to process all that Cancer stole from me and gave me since my diagnosis.
So what does all this mean? I’m trying to put into words what the weeklong camp experience I had with Epic Experience was. They are extremely wise with their process being the perfect balance of fun & frivolity mixed with some serious soul-searching. I did physical things I didn’t think I was capable of doing including a 1 mile hike in high altitude with a slight incline at a different Ranch. I allowed myself to say YES, and jump into the Colorado river to swim. I allowed myself to truly be me and to show these strangers that there’s a lot more to me than makeup and curled hair. (although each day I did do a little something just to look & feel like myself) I was comfortable in my own skin going without makeup and letting my hair air dry more each day as I continued to feel more comfortable with myself.
I am so completely blessed that I was chosen by Epic Experience to be a Camper and to be celebrated as a Cancer Survivor. I am stronger now than I was before I went. I know that there are no limits on what I can do physically and mentally. I was able to let go of grief – the grief of loss of so many things that Cancer and Life have taken from me. But, I am wiser and gained some tools to input things into a perspective that I now have. Thank you Epic Experience and UC Health for your Sponsorship of this amazing Non-Profit Organization.